Monday, July 25, 2011

Goodbye My Little Blog...

I have been thinking about my blog and the many thoughts that have gone into writing of this blog. After much thought I think I need to put it to rest. My life has gone through many transformations since I began to write in this "journal." I began to write as a way to express, "vent," and converse, if only to myself. I feel like I have "cardboard boxes filled with papers of nostalgia and these boxes are covered in dust." My heart felt burdened and heavy every time I opened my blog not knowing why I felt this way. It was no longer a joyous thing for me to do. I realized that a big majority (2 years, maybe more) of my blog was filled with the sadness of my sister's illness and death. She has been gone now for two years and in this last month I went home for her, for me. Perhaps a way to say good-bye, I don't know for sure. I missed her terribly not being there with us although I felt her in spirit. Sometimes when I open my blog I jump back to read what I wrote during her illness and it makes me very sad. I begin to question what more could I have done, how did we not see the signs, why she died so young. Then I cry. I can't do this anymore, I want to be truly happy again. "Sister, I will never forget you, I will always love you and miss you."

Thank you my little blog ~ you've been good for me. Now it's time for me to move on.

For all my loyal readers I may possibly start a new blog under a different title, but I will let you know. Thinking about it :).

Friday, July 8, 2011

Going "home..."

Going "home" is an interesting adventure. It is exciting and at the same time it can be an "aha!" moment. I had not been back for at least 24 years because there had not been a need to return. Years ago my parents moved to southern California for health reasons, bought a home, and settled here. My older sister also moved here with them. Along with my own family, my world was complete. My parents and sister continued to travel back to Idaho over the years to visit with my two little sisters who had their lives there. I saw both my little sisters and their families when they traveled here at least once a year ~ that was good enough for me.

Why did I go this time? My youngest sister ~ the baby girl of the family is sick. She may need an operation and I felt I needed to go to her this time. She cannot travel nor will she be able to for quite some time. We went for her birthday which was on July 4th :). It was very nice to spend time with her and my mom who is staying with them to help out. I felt she needed to rest more, but she was always on her feet to make sure we were alright. Not a good thing.

While she was at work, my mom took us to see our memories. The picture above is my childhood home. It looks a bit overgrown with the bushes, trees and so on. When we lived there, my dad kept the lawn neat and tidy with lots of flowers. When I saw "our home" for the first time in so many years, it was still that neat and tidy home, I didn't see the disarray. Our town is basically the same; a new high school, a few new restaurants and even a museum! Lots and lots of farmland ~ the sad, really sad part was seeing my dad's land that he used to farm. Memories. . . It's a different way of life there, a different culture, a dedication to a life I left a long time ago. I love my life now ~ I have for a long time. I remembered why I left Idaho so many years ago. It is not my life anymore. It is my sister's life and she loves it.

It was a good visit ~ it's a beautiful state ~ an amazing part of the state. I'm glad I went. I missed that my older sister was not there. I think she was there spiritually, but I would have loved to have spend time with her. She would have been so happy with me and the fact that I finally made it back "home."

Music of the Heart

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