Contemplation...

Sometimes I wonder about life and it's many ups and downs. Often when I am driving home, my thinking turns to my sister and how much I miss her. We used to laugh a lot. I think sometimes I would bother her, but I knew she loved me. She liked me bothering her. I want to call her to hear her voice again. I never thought that I would lose her -- it was beyond my comprehension. I remember the first time she told me that she had cancer. I told her I didn't understand. She said, "What is it that you don't understand?" I couldn't explain to her what I couldn't understand. It was not comprehensible. We thought she was in remission after the first year, but then it came back with such force that the second time she told me, my husband and I were on our way to the beach to celebrate my birthday. We were on the freeway when she called and told me it was back. She had not been feeling well for a couple of months and I already knew when she told me, but had hoped it was not that damn cancer again. She said she was sorry to call me on my birthday to give me such sad news, but thought I would want to know. We did not go to the beach.

Many memories flow back into my mind -- songs I hear, commercials on tv. I never used to watch commercials before -- it was always the time I did dishes, laundry, school work - but when I started staying with her we watched so many commercials -- I got a kick out of them and would laugh out loud which would make her shake her head "Aiii Gloria" she would say. "Oops sorry!"

This last Monday my daughter made her alter for "Dia de los Muertos" for the museum in Riverside. This is the second year she has participated. It is a beautiful cultural event. She has always done an alter for All Saints Day but now shows it along with so many others. This year she included my sister which gave me the saddest feeling because I miss her so-- and it touched my heart to see how much my daughter loved her nina (Godmother).

I know my sister is in a good place with my dad, my little sister and brother, my brother-in-law, grandma, and our compadre, but I sure do miss her. I've heard of people talking about a "new normal" and at first I thought that it was a dumb notion, but as time passes, I get it. It is a "new" normal without my sister in it. I feel like I inch along looking for a semblance of happiness and I find it with my husband and children, with my kids at school, with my brothers and sisters, and with my friends. I keep trying and I keep living. God bless us all. Please keep us in your prayers, especially my mama.